5 Questions to Ask Him Before Saying "I Do!"

This past weekend I had the opportunity to officiate my sister-in-law’s wedding.

My sister-in-law has always accused me of acting like her dad. Guilty as charged! I am as protective as any big brother should be!

I didn’t know the groom very well when he proposed and I knew I either had to quickly stop this train or give my blessing.

So I invited him for dinner to get answers to 5 questions that would let me know if she was about to marry the right man.

Here are 5 Questions to Ask Him Before Saying "I Do!"

1.      Does he accept responsibility?  

An old African tradition states the groom to pay money to the bride’s family prior to the wedding.  This tradition is to show the parents that this man is financially responsible.  The suitor had to have good money management habits in order to have money to pay the family.  It doesn’t matter how much money he makes if he doesn’t manage it well. 

He should have a history of taking responsibility for himself as well as others. This is important because this attribute will let you know whether he is able to care for a wife and kids.

a.      Does he have a job?

b.      Does he pay his own bills without the help of others?

c.       Does he have money saved?

d.      Does he take responsibility when things do not go his way?

2.      Is he teachable?  

All of us need others that we can talk to and trust for guidance.  

The Bible says. “Two are better than one.”  Every man needs to have spiritual mature men who are further down the road to help guide them.  Having these men in our lives can help prevent bad decisions and help us discern God’s direction in our lives.  Absence of such men leads to many costly mistakes.  If he thinks he’s always right and never asks for advice from spiritually mature men, he is dangerous.  He can never grow because in his mind he is already full grown. 

a.      Are there men he listens to for advice? Are they themselves where you would want him to be in 5 to 10 years?

b.      Does he make good decisions?

c.      Does he value your opinion when making decisions?

d.      Does he admit to and learn from his mistakes?

e.      Is he willing to attend pre-marital counseling?

3.      Does he seek God for himself? 

No man is perfect.  

We are all somewhere on this journey of spiritual growth. But, he must make a decision to accept Jesus as his Savior and begin seeking to have a closer relationship with Him and he has to choose to do this on his own.  Not because his parents say so or he is expected to do so. He must have a genuine interest in knowing God more intimately.

a.      Does he read the Bible regularly?

b.      Is he planted in a healthy local church?

c.      Does he tithe?

4.      Has he committed to finishing something worthwhile?  

This will let you know if he has a vision for his life and that he is indeed headed somewhere.  

It also tells you if he can persevere through the ups and downs of marriage.  He is less likely to give up.  He sticks and works things out.  He’s not a quitter.

a.      Has he completed something worthwhile, like earned a college degree, served honorably in the military, completed at least 5 years service with the same company, etc.?

b.      Can he articulate a vision for his life?

c.      Does he have written goals and plans and is he making progress against those goals?

5.      Does he demonstrate that he loves you unconditionally?  

Genesis 29 tells the story of Jacob’s desire to marry Rachel.  He loved her so that he worked 14 years in order to have her as his wife.  Because he loved her and thought she was worthy of his love, the years he worked seemed like only a few days to him. 

Any man who desires to marry a woman should feel she is more than worthy of his love.  He should think to himself, “I can’t believe she agreed to marry me!”  He should feel like he by far got the better end of the deal. He should lift her up and make her feel like no one is more beautiful than her.

a.      Does he treat his mom with love, honor and respect?

b.      Does he treat you with kindness and respect?

c.      Will he wait until after the wedding to have sex?

d.      Has he been faithful for a considerable length of courtship time?

I hope this will help bring clarity in your marriage decision. Slowing down or stopping a marriage decision may be awkward, but it’s better than finding out later that rushing into it was a mistake that could have been avoided.  

Fortunately, after meeting with my new brother-in-law, I felt good about her decision to marry him. He’s not a perfect man, but going through these questions gave me the confidence they would have the best chance of success in their marriage.